Why Explore Squirting?

By Wicked Wanda's
on January 14, 2016
Why Explore Squirting?

By: Julia Muse

There are a million reasons to explore the untapped sexual potential of your amazing female body. As a citizen sexual scientist and sex educator, I have boiled it down to the  heart of three main points. Three reasons why it is important to your empowerment that you explore the reaches and the boundaries of your physical and spiritual self.

  1. To know more about the capabilities of your body.

The female body is absolutely incredible. In my opinion, our culture has failed miserably in the empowerment of women, no matter how far we think we have come. Our cultural norms suggest that women need any number of products and fancy clothes and accessories and make up just so we can leave the house feeling confident. We are told from day one that our bodies are gross, inadequate, leaky, smelly, incapable of birthing children without aid and barely capable of orgasm. If we are not sexual, we are frigid and cold and if we are too sexual we are whores and sluts. My goal is to convey to women that there is not an ounce of truth to our misguided and archaic cultural story. There was a time, before the rise of patriarchy, when women were the equal leaders of their villages. When women were respected as contributing and essential members of the tribe. When we were appreciated for our special gifts of empathy, communication and intuition. The gifts of women are slowly being realized today in the infancy of our feminist movement. We are rising up to challenge the misconceptions of our culture to write a new story. What I hope to convey to women is that our sexuality need not be a hindrance. Our sexuality is a great gift and an aspect of our lives which can be improves (improved?), daily, for free. No gym memberships or new shoes are required. No permission is required. You have the power to explore your own amazing body and it’s infinite capabilities by yourself or with a trusted and respectful partner. It is not a competition. You need not emulate the acrobatics of the lovely ladies of adult films (unless you want to!) You need not feel inadequate if your body doesn't work the same way as another or if you don't enjoy the same things as it seems as though other women enjoy. What you might need is more faith in your body. More faith in your ability to use sexual release to transcend the everyday, strengthen your relationship with yourself and your partner(s) or potential partners. I believe that with the proper support, safety, respect and atmosphere that most women are capable of female ejaculation and it is my goal to teach as many women as I can what I have learned.

  1. To strengthen and improve your relationship with yourself and/or your partner

In order to truly love yourself and your body, it is imperative that you spend some time in playful exploration. Whether that be on your own or with a partner is up to you! You are the one who writes your own story. Consider the possibility that female ejaculation may be within your reach as this is the first step to getting there. Keep in mind that your partner may need some time to adjust to your new found interest in your own empowerment. Your partner might be used to you behaving in a certain fashion and may consider your freedom to do and learn what you like about your body intimidating. Remember that you are an autonomous individual and you can tailor your life and your relationships to suit your inquisitive spirit. If you are attempting the journey solo, good for you! You have taken your own pleasure into your hands and have great courage. There are many toys and aids that can assist you as a solo squirter, but the most important is probably a solid (glass, metal, wood, acrylic) toy designed specifically for to hit your G Spot. Some women are capable of reaching it themselves (they must have longer arms than I!) and some women can even squirt WITHOUT G spot stimulation. You will never know until you try. Squirting usually requires a great deal of friction and pressure, which is why a lot of women tell me they cannot do it solo. Once my partner figured out I could squirt, I was also quite skeptical that I could achieve this feat solo, but now I find that I have a much higher level of control over these things than I could have foreseen. If you need a confidence booster, spend some time building up the strength of your kegel muscles with benwa balls or a Magic Banana. A fun kegel builder game to play with your partner involves you squeezing your kegels as hard as you can around their member or hand. This builds your squirting muscles and can improve your sex life, your partners sex life, assist in pregnancy and childbirth and keep you pelvic floor toned. Everyone wins! As for intimacy, the journey towards female ejaculation requires trust and support. 

  1. To relieve stress and the build-up of negative energy

Squirting can be intense. It can envelop you whole. It can raise you up off the bed both figuratively and literally. You may make noises you and your partner have never heard. You may tense up or even require bondage to feel safe and secure. You might feel a flood of endorphins, a flood of positive emotion or a flood of tears. I experienced all these things when I first learned. For me, squirting is the ultimate release. The idea is to surrender yourself to something that is completely outside of your control. I find the fact that female ejaculation is barely recognized by science and barely accepted by our culture to be one of the most unfortunate of failures. It is a purposeful cutting off of our mind, body, and spirit connection. The wise women saints of the past like Hildegard von Bingen and Theresa of Avila used to channel this energy into their worship of divinity. They would have ecstatic experiences loving their God because they were open to being enveloped, they were surrendering themselves to God. Some have interpreted these episodes as pseudo sexual and I would tend to agree that this theory makes sense. These women had devoted their lives and bodies to a higher power and believed fully that they could be 'possessed' by the Holy Spirit. As a humanist, I think one of the more important connections one can make is with their inner self. Squirting makes me feel closer to something magical and spiritual. It may sound very unscientific or too 'new age' but what we are really tapping into is actually something quite ancient. Something latent. We have the ability to create water seemingly from nothing. I can see why the men folk might have been intimated by this skill, why they might have needed to quell our powerful abilities, keep us in the dark about our own amazing bodies. I can see why our cultural paradigm of Capitalist body shaming stops many women from exploring. In the Victorian age, when women were kept under wraps, in corsets and under the thumb, we were considered to be 'hysterical' is we were overly emotional or if we talked back or used our own brains to think and question. It is pretty telling that the main cure for this 'female issue' was for a so called medical professional to give her a relieving 'paroxysm. In those days (and today in some places) it was believed that women received no pleasure at all from sexual experiences. That we were incapable of orgasms, never mind female ejaculation. Men even invented the vibrator just to facilitate this 'treatment'. Considering that women have always been as sexually amazing as we are now, I think it is almost our duty as free and empowered women to explore where these women were forbidden to. In my opinion, we owe them our present pleasure and we owe it to them to have some courage to explore where they were forbidden. I have never felt more peaceful, at ease and comfortable with myself and my partner than after an intense squirting session. All the pent up stress of the day is released with this amazing viscous fluid that my body created in no time at all out of virtually nothing. My partner can almost diagnose my pent up energy, can tell when I need a good session of release and surrender. He can ejaculate my negative energy with the power of his love for me and his faith in my body. After squirting I feel at peace, I feel more in tune with my body and intuition, I feel clarity and I feel empowered. I go through a range of emotions that I cannot explore during the daily grind. This is what I desire to share.

It is important to trust yourself. If you are trying new things with a partner, make sure they are respectful, supportive and trustworthy. Make sure you have a safe word, so if things get too intense, you can convey that information. Female ejaculation is the destination, but what is far more important is the journey. What is far more important is the intention in your actions, your belief in female abilities and your curiosity. Squirting is intense, but it is also playful. Your body is a playground that you are finally allowed to play on. Have fun!

 

By: Julia Muse

Role Playing

By Madelaine Dorion
on January 14, 2016
Role Playing

By: Lilith

“The element of play has an important role in my life, and I think that should be the case in the life of every artist. Our life is occupied with playing, whether we play an instrument or a role.” –Dietrich Fischer- Dieskau

Our popular culture as of late has been so thoroughly saturated with a certain kind of role-playing that it is hard to imagine any other kinds, or why anyone outside of hardcore kinksters would want to enjoy it… thanks a lot Fifty Shades. Yet the essential core of role-playing is not situated in the darkest, scariest dungeon for most, but is instead based upon a change in scenery or a change in the motions. Arguably, we has human beings are always playing roles, whether that be our gender or our professions, or perhaps as entertaining friend and supportive family member, these are all roles. Many believe these to be simply inherent in life and in a sense that is true, because we have established as a culture that that is how our social system works: you must have one gender, you must have one profession, and you must be one person at all times. Yet, these constraints on ourselves can be subverted and it is often through that subverting that we can find pleasure and sometimes find a place where we truly feel like ourselves.

There is immense power in being able to decide who and what you are. Whether for erotic purposes or not, role-playing is a wonderful exercise in the meaning and use of power. Some would understand power as inherently oppressive or problematic as the saying that power corrupts is common among our culture and popular in movie plotlines- power is simply the interaction between beings. This includes the power people have when they freely give their power to another or when that person accepts that power with respect and a humbling appreciating of that gift. You see this kind of loving exchange of power in fulfilling Dominant and Submissive relationships, where the submissive has a resounding amount of power because they have the ability to give it to their Dominant. Yet, the exchange of power within role-play goes beyond the dungeon and BDSM relationship; you can find it when people use the scenario of teacher/ students, employer/ employee, or doctor/ patient. While these kinds of dynamics can breed abuse and illegal activities in active life, within a safe and agreed upon circumstance the power dynamic can be heightened or completely changed for sexual arousal in a positive and fulfilling way.

There are many types of role-playing, really too many to list, and often mainstream society feels uncomfortable with some of them because they may seem deviant or problematic if practiced in active life. This may include Priest/ Choirboy, Mommy/ Child or the feminization of men for example. What must be stressed here is that those who participate in role-playing for erotic purposes (and many people do), they do not necessarily want to practice those roles outside in their active life and in fact the reasons why some enjoy the schoolgirl look (for example) is complicated and does not mean that that individual wants to have sexual relations with an underage girl. Remember that power dynamics are always in play in our lives and during role-playing, power can be even more relevant as for example- an individual may feel less powerful around a person dressed like a schoolgirl because it reminds them of the dynamics in highschool and this arouses them.

For some, they explore role-playing because they want to spice up their sex life and this can be achieved in many different ways. A scene can be set by using only one piece of clothing or an entire outfit, perhaps one toy or an entire stage of props. For some, they enjoy role-playing by pretending they do not know a partner but instead meet them for the “first time” in a bar. Essentially what I am saying is that role-playing can be a wonderfully creative expression of love and sexuality and that there is no one formula for everyone to follow. What I do caution for those interested in role-play is that you do it in a relationship with a partner you trust. While this may seem limiting, it is because role-playing successfully requires a lot of communication between people and without trust and respect already established the power dynamics could turn problematic and abusive. Consent is so important and if things are not discussed beforehand then there is no consent, which is illegal. The element of surprise should be sacrificed in this sense. An option is to have an agreed upon signal such as a certain necklace or pair of socks which indicates that your partner is interested in enacting a previously agreed upon scene, and that the other partner has signaled in their own way through an agreed upon statement that they are also interested. Communication is absolutely necessary with role-playing.

So why not try spicing it up? With communication and some planning, your night could turn into a fantasy which is titillating and erotic in a safe and positive environment. Open up to your partner about fantasies you have and be open to theirs as well. Being supportive and non-judgmental leads to better relationships, sex and role-playing for all involved. Start with an outfit or prop and experiment from there. Above all, remember that sex is supposed to be fun and fantasies are just an extension of that.

So may your fantasies come true.

 By: Lilith

Check out our workshops for fun ways to spice up your bedroom!

A Conversation about Online Fetish Communities

By Wicked Wanda's
on January 14, 2016
A Conversation about Online Fetish Communities

By: Jean Samick

Gone are the days when people had to hide their unconventional wants and desires. In this day and age, letting ones freak flag fly high and proud is less shocking than it used to be and online communities for fetishists have popped up all over the internet. Some like FetLife and Fetster have over millions of users indulging their wild sides, and there’s no end to the freaky content available at your fingertips. Talking about where to buy furry costumes or the fastest way to tie Shibari aren’t exactly things that you can talk about at your weekly book club. These online communities provide a stable and safe place where they can get information and share ideas with other like-minded adults.

 

FetLife is one of the better known online fetish communities that boast just over 4 million users in just under 100,000 groups sharing pictures, blog posts and advice across forums ranging from mainstream to niche kink. It’s free, but does require signing up, something which the website consistently assures protects privacy of its users first and foremost. The people who run the website are kinksters themselves, so no shame or judgement is thrown around and it’s a completely safe and accepting community of people who share naughtier interests. FetLife’s wealth of information is not to go unmentioned either; those feeling out new fetishes or seeking guidance about safety and limitations have the ability to talk to seasoned experts. Fetishists really love to talk about their hobbies if you’re interested in listening.

Fetster is another well-known online community with much the same highlights and a few tiny differences. While FetLife makes it known in their About page that the website is not a meat market, Fetster seems to lean more towards using their site as a dating or hook-up website. It puts focus on the websites ability to seek people out specifically, rather than talking to groups of people about interests. It boasts the ability to narrow your search for someone based on details like sexual orientation, gender and kink, and doesn’t limit the amount of messages that can be sent per hour. It works much like a kinky Facebook, with friend groups and instating messaging.

Like anything else, precautions must be taken and safety is of the utmost importance. We’re not talking about safe words and having lube nearby, we’re talking thinking long and hard about what kind of information you want to disclose online. Remember that everything online is permanent, and while safety precautions are in place to protect information, be aware that people online may keep track of it themselves. Think about how private you want to keep your private life, and know your limitations going in and what details to put in your profile. If you play it safe, these online communities can be a nurturing environment for your inner kinkster and a source of support for those just trying things out.

By: Jean Samick

Sexpertise: Porn Addiction

By Wicked Wanda's
on January 09, 2016
Sexpertise: Porn Addiction

By: Jean Samick

Porn can be a visual aid for those lacking in imagination or those who just enjoy watching sexual interactions, and masturbation as a whole can have a healthy impact on people’s lives by being an outlet for stress and enhancing sex lives. When Denmark legalized porn in 1969, researchers noted a massive decline in sexual aggression. Watching porn doesn’t guarantee an addiction. However, typically for an addiction to take hold, there needs to be an emotional vulnerability for it to sink its claws into. That small difference can be the line between having an outlet, and having a problem.

Sure, it has the word addiction at the end, but how serious can porn addiction really be, or how common? Addiction doesn’t follow strict guidelines, and isn’t limited to substances. There are several stages to porn addiction that can double for any substance dependency. Exposure, addiction, escalation and desensitization are the most typical and easily noticed. If we were talking about cocaine, the story would start with someone doing a line at a party and then making it a weekend habit before escalating it to a daily dependency. They would then become so reliant on it that the drug itself can’t thrill them like it once did, but they're stuck chasing that feeling it once gave them. The same steps can be applied to porn addiction, where watching it once and awhile could turn into a daily obsession.

Porn addicts don’t typically see a problem with killing a little time with themselves until they start experiencing physical symptoms and find then that they can’t stop. They may start to notice that while they were formally able to enjoy sex and climax with a partner, suddenly it’s more difficult without any pornographic stimulation. Aside from being a coital downer, porn can also lead to a whole other ballpark of problems with a partner or relationship. If they begin to notice you aren’t satisfied sexually, it can open up other issues in the relationship they may not be addressing. Even those without partners will start to notice they would rather stay in and watch porn than go out, or are suddenly moody when they aren’t able to get off when they want. It may sound comical, but these types of behaviours can escalate and be brushed under the rug with initial excuses of boredom or a high libido.

In 2011 two PhD candidates published findings that women who used porn reported higher sexual intimacy in their relationships than men, who experienced lower levels of sexual intimacy in real-life relationships. The explanation for this? That men tend to watch porn solo, as opposed to women who watch it with their partners. This is a generalization of course, but in 2012 the University of Tennessee published findings that women whose partners openly watched porn experienced low self-esteem and poor relationship quality, and in 2013 researchers at Brigham Young University and the University of Missouri found female use of porn to lead to improved sexual experiences for women in heterosexual relationships.

Don’t let the above studies fool you; women are just as capable as men to become addicted to porn or have it negatively affect their lives. There are several questions you can ask yourself to decide whether or not to pump the brakes on the internet time. Do you find yourself going back to it more than once a day? What is your mood like if you can’t make time for porn? Do you find yourself searching for increasingly graphic pornography?

Look, there is nothing wrong with masturbation. It can be a healthy sexual outlet and make you more familiar with what makes your toes curl. Remember, addiction digs out emotional insecurities and vulnerabilities in order to make its nest in your brain. Knowing the signs can put a person at risk on the alert for potential dependency. For those already too deep, make sure to get some Daily Strength from a support group website.

Jean Samick

Sexpertise: Strap-on/Pegging Play

By Wicked Wanda's
on January 09, 2016
Sexpertise: Strap-on/Pegging Play

By: Jean Samick

There’s more than one way to ride in a rodeo, and pegging or strap-on play is a perfect example. Typically defined as a Dom/Sub activity, strap-on play can be fun for both men and women. Pegging is the most common term when referencing strap-on play specific to men for anal play and sexual stimulation. The only differentiation between strap-on play and pegging is that pegging is a term specific to males being on the receiving end, with strap-on play still being used to define female on female activities with the toy.

A small amount of equipment is needed for playing, like a good harness and compatible dildo attachment. They of course get more complicated from there, as any good sex toy design does. The harnesses themselves can have variations on design, with boyleg harness and a g-string version being the most popular. The g-string version has a waist strap and another that goes between the legs, while the boyleg/jockstrap model has a waist strap and then two straps around each upper thigh. The only difference between the fit of each type is how much of your own equipment needs to be moved around, but a snug fitting harness is ideal. A g-string version may not be compatible for those with testicles, and those without testicles may find the g-string fit a little tighter. The fit of the harness is incredibly important, and it must be able to hold the dildo solidly in place to avoid pausing mid-coitus to adjust things.

The dildo attachments also range; single, double, classic phallic or something crazy? The choices are endless, and the only limit is a person’s imagination and personal comfort. Ensure that the dildo is nonporous to avoid harmful bacteria from building up in or around the toy, and make sure to clean it thoroughly after use. Like any new toy or sexual adventure, make sure you take it slow and start with the basics. Use an opening or widening toy like a butt plug to mildly stretch the anal ring. This will make penetration with the dildo easier for the person on the receiving end of the fun. Make sure to use plenty of lube when engaging in any anal activity, and absolutely no silicone based lubricant. It runs the risk of breaking down the similar plastic in the dildo and can result in the toy breaking into pieces while inside the body. The anus doesn’t secrete any lubrication, so to avoid friction, tears and bruising you should always play using thick water-based lubrication.

Know the proper steps to take part in this fun and freaky activity, and play safe to avoid injury. Use plenty of lube, and a stretching toy should be considered for beginners. If the fit of the harness seems off, try it on in store over your clothes and avoid buying online unless you’ve seen a similar model up close. There’s no returning a harness for a bad fit, and you don’t want a loose dildo to ruin the fun at the rodeo!

Jean Samick

Check out our strap-ons HERE

Sexpertise: Sex Furniture

By Wicked Wanda's
on January 09, 2016
Sexpertise: Sex Furniture

By: Jean Samick

Find many Liberator Sex Furniture Products In-Store Today!

Sex furniture. The title does not exactly scream “Family friendly for every living room!’. And I’m not talking about sexy furniture, I’m talking about pieces that can be used to enhance your sexual experiences. The furniture needn't be large-scale, however. Most is easily storable, comes in a variety of sizes for a variety of appetites.

 The Wedge by Liberator

Let’s break down what we’re talking about here. Sex furniture can be anything from the ever-popular sex swing to wedge pillows and toy mounts. Some pieces can go as large as couches and permanently installed harnesses and straps, while others are as small as a sex stool.

Wedges and ramps are various types of pillows that can be used to assist penetration by using the incline to raise hips or support weight during tricky positions. They’re pretty tame as far as sex furniture goes, and typically have machine washable covers and aren’t obvious should you leave them out accidentally when guests come by. They often come with fun add ons like restraints and cuffs, and are relatively cheap.

Sex swings are also a common piece of sex furniture, and can range from occasional use structures to more permanent installations. Hugely popular for those with disabilities, sex swings are fun for everyone liking a little adventure. Often sex swings can be bought with frames, or with the hardware to put them in the ceiling. For safety’s sake, stick to the one with the frame unless you are a confident handyman or know a discreet one. Since the person in the swing has their entire body weight suspended and restrained, the results of the attachment coming out of the ceiling can be both expensive and painful for more than just your dignity.

 Toy Mount by Liberator

Stripper Poles are easily installable for any ceiling height, and don’t always require permanent installation. Novelty aside, the hidden advantage to the stripper pole is that it is intensely physical to the point that pole dancing classes exist and have grown in popularity. Being able to use it for fitness as well as seduction is great, and make it a worthwhile purchase if you can use it for more than just romance. Some of the tricks take a few tries to learn, but rest assured once the Guns ’n’ Roses start all inhibitions will melt away.

 Ultimate Sex Swing

 Rimming chairs, sex stools, loungers and other pieces are slightly less common, but still worth checking out. Whether you’re lightly into BDSM or a heavy investor, most sex furniture can be easily dismantled and stowed if space is hard to come by in your home. It doesn’t need to break the bank either; most of the above options have cheaper versions for beginners and pricier models for those looking to invest in their sexuality. Solo or partnered, able or disabled, there’s something for everyone out there.

 The Hipster by Liberator

Jean Samick

The Liberator brand is a fantastic company with many high-quality sex furniture options. Come into Wicked Wanda's today to see our large selection of Liberator harnesses, and furniture.

  Find our Liberator selection in-store only.

Sexpertise- Transgender

By Wicked Wanda's
on January 09, 2016
Sexpertise- Transgender

By: Jean Samick

“Transgender’ is an umbrella term for those whose gender identity, expression or behaviour does not match or conform to the gender they were assigned at birth. Gender identity refers to an emotional state or sense of being, as opposed to gender expression which is the method that a person conveys their gender to others. A person may identify with “feeling’ male or female, while they dress or wear their hair in a certain way to express the gender they want to project to the public differently.

Sara was born a male but has always identified emotionally as a female. She began dressing in women clothes years ago and recently came out as a female. She gave me some insight into the differences between the two concepts of identity versus expression. “I will always be the person I've grown into, I just don't want to be seen as a male.” She says, “acceptance instead of denial made me realize that I truly wanted and needed to live life as a female to be comfortable in my own skin. These realizations came very shortly after accepting that these thoughts and feelings were here to stay. My transition is as much mental and emotional as it is physical, and being at the beginning of this is very complicated and confusing.”

Sara explains she didn’t want to lose the person she had been as a man; she simply wanted to incorporate some of those traits with new, more feminine ones. “I’ve basically just had to re-learn how to be myself, which I'm noticing has always been in me. Once I opened my eyes to this I started to feel more comfortable with girly things and colours in my life,” She says, “I began to consider fully transitioning and began to research everything transgender and what kind of journey I would be embarking on.”

She explains that the transition process, including surgery, is complicated and can be potentially expensive. It’s easy to become discouraged by these barriers, but she pushed past them undeterred. “Every day I became more and more sure that it was something I needed to do. Once I decided to go through with this, I knew in my heart that this was right. My instincts knew and everything inside me told me I was on the right path, but to this day my brain still has its doubts.”

Things like jeopardizing a business, losing friends and potentially a life of loneliness romantically were all on her mind, but in the end she received nothing but support from friends and family. “I've received enormous amount of support and consider myself extremely lucky to have that. From the people I've met online I've received a lot of support to help me get to the point of coming out. Once I started to come out I received even more.”

The relief was overwhelming for her, giving her a newfound peace of mind. “My whole family is being very amazing about everything even though they have a very hard time understanding and even believing that it's real. My closest friends seemed to take it well at the beginning and the support from people I know who are on Facebook has been almost staggering and majorly surprising! I went into this expecting to lose a lot of friends, and in turn I've actually made some new amazing friends.”

“The trans community is bigger than I would have assumed, but it's not huge and there are still many trans men and women who haven't been able to accept who they really are yet.” She says, “I am still going to a PTS (Pink Triangle Services) support group for mainly transgender men and women. It's a slow and hard process in Ottawa; not enough doctors or people who know how to handle this. Waiting lists for doctors and counselling are long and it's hard to get in the system.”

Struggles aside, Sara wouldn’t have it any other way now that she’s out. “I now am in the process of finding who I truly am, which is also very exciting as well as scary. I also have a new comfort in my own skin and even though I'm not fully transitioned, I feel better in my skin. For the very first time in my life, I can honestly say I love myself!” 

For those seeking support in Ottawa, check out Pink Triangle Services, Ottawa’s Gender Freedom support group or the CHEO Gender Identity and Diversity group. There is also a list of service on the HealthLine website for the diverse groups that fall into all of the grey areas of the sexual identity spectrum. So if you’re out there and you think you’re alone, Sara assures you… You aren’t.

 Jean Samick

Sexpertise: Impact Play

By Wicked Wanda's
on January 09, 2016
Sexpertise: Impact Play

By: Jean Samick

Impact play is the term used to describe the act of a Dominant striking the Submissive for the purpose of sexual arousal. Impact play can be everything from a few spanks to the use of whips and flogs, and includes a variety of smackers for every interest. Whips can be anything from a singled tailed bullwhip like a sexy Indiana Jones, or a more complex cat o’ nine tails type whip commonly called floggers. Other things like belts and canes are also commonly used in impact play with lesser used types at either end of the spectrum. The narrower the tail, the sharper the sting, and thicker items tend to have a more impactful thud on the skin.

The act can be pretty enjoyable and stimulating to the fat or muscular areas of the body. Good areas include the butt, middle back and thighs, but it’s recommended that people avoid joints, the fleshy abdomen and any boney areas like the hip bones or head and neck. The type of toy used has an impact (zing!) on the type of mark it leaves, with thinner switches differing from flat paddles.

Some whips and flogs will only leave light welts that disappear in a few hours while others may leave more lasting impressions. Scientifically, the smaller the area space being smacked the more concentrated the shock waves that travel over the surface of your skin. Wider toys like paddles and smackers affect a wide area and have a more spread out surface reaction. As with all toys, it’s important to keep all smackers in good shape. Any rough edges or broken leather can harm or break the skin, not to mention house bacteria.

Newcomers to the fetish should recognize the difference between impact play and abuse before embarking on any physical fun. Impact play has a Dom/Sub relationship, and because of the physicality of play it is absolutely necessary to establish boundaries and discuss barriers. A safe word is a good place to start, and for those bound for giggles at the mere thought can use an old faithful like “Cinnamon’. By incorporating a safe word, explicit consent can be given during situations when normal indicators like discomfort are more common. In times of being muted or gagged, a safe signal like a peace sign or dropped ball could be used.

All acts of impact play should be consensual, but don’t think this puts a damper on spontaneity. As long as both the Dom and Sub are comfortable with what type of play is okay and what limits they can reach, the fun can really begin without fear of crossed wires or miscommunication. I know what you’re thinking, “Isn’t there a manual for such activities?’ There sure is, and after you download it for free you can skip ahead (no spoilers) to these issues being addressed around page 20.

For those looking to explore further into impact play, try taking a look at some of the instructional videos Kink Academy has, or stay tuned to the Wicked Wanda’s website for upcoming flogging workshops. You could also seek out the local or online community for other whip and flogging enthusiasts. There are some pretty tame beginner whips, flogs and crops available in store or online at Wicked Wanda’s, and you’ll never know how much you enjoy something until you give it a try!

Jean Samick

Sexpertise: Agender

By Wicked Wanda's
on January 09, 2016
Sexpertise: Agender

By: Jean Samick 

Gender isn’t just about biological parts. It goes deeper, or perhaps shallower for most. How they identify themselves to the people around them is surface level, from how they dress to how they speak and act. Right from birth, parents are given gender specific clothing and accessories for their little bundle of joy. Parents can break out of the modern mold and buy their little girl a lovely green dress, but there are still a sense of taboo that would stop them from buying their son a cute pair of princess heels to compliment his baseball shirt and jeans. There’s often a stigma that by allowing a child to explore clothes, hobbies or interests often practiced by the opposite sex, their sexuality would be affected.

While not identifying as a gender is something people have dealt with for decades, the emergence of the concept in modern society is fairly recent. Agender only became one of Facebook’s 58 gender options in 2014 (which was later changed to allow users to fill in their own), and in May 2015 dictionary.com added “Agender’ as “a person who does not have a specific gender identity or recognizable gender expression.” This concept goes farther than aesthetic.

Defining and explaining Agender is a complicated subject, and not easily summarized in a few hundred words. In an ever growing attempt to minimize ignorance, I asked a friend of mine Kale to sit down and help me better explain why they no longer identified as either gender. “For a really long time, I just assumed that the whole gender thing was just social and it was just this dance everyone was doing. That it was all acting.” Kale explains, “When I started knowing more trans people it kind of clicked for me that you wouldn’t chose this, you wouldn’t chose to have that kind of performance stress.” Kale explains that not identifying as a gender can be similar to the disassociation that trans people feel. “When you have no perspective on something, it’s hard to compare it.” Kale says, “People would say “Haha, you know how it is with us girls,’ and I’d sit there like “no, I don’t.’”

Kale started with the basics: “Agender is not identifying as androgyny as androgyny is more of an appearance value,” elaborating with, “The David Bowie/ Tilda Swinton effect.” Gender binary refers to rigid definitions of gender, think black and white with no grey. People can be one or the other, but not both or neither or a combination. Obviously biologically this theory has some flaws, but Non-binary refers to all of the people who fall into the grey outside of that binarism. There are shades to identifying and even not identifying on the spectrum, but for now we’ll keep it simple.

When people stop subscribing to these gender norms, it can be a bit startling for the people around them. “One of the really unfortunate things about how people perceive trans people and non-binary people is that they feel like it has to be proven.” Kale explains, “If someone is A-gender but looks quite feminine or quite masculine, people tend to take them less seriously.” At the end of the day, a person’s gender identity really doesn’t make that much of a difference conversationally, unless you're afraid of being rude by referring to them by the incorrect gender. “Not understanding something doesn’t mean that it isn’t valid, it means it isn’t part of your experience.” Kale summarizes.

Being unsure how to navigate conversation may tempt you to shy away from asking questions, but Kale assures anything proposed politely would only yield positive results. “Honestly, the number one thing you don’t do is ask “Are you a boy, or are you a girl?’” Kale says, “If you meet someone and you want to make sure you don’t refer to them improperly, one of the safer ones to use is the gender neutral term “they’. If you’re in a group of people and you’re not sure and you don’t want to refer to them improperly, generally the most accepted way is to ask “what are your pronouns?’” Kale offers, “That can be an awkward one because not everyone wants to be asked, but in an LGBTQ environment, it’s an appropriate question. Most people will appreciate you asking rather than making assumptions.”

With a better understanding and perhaps a new perspective, I hope Kale’s words can reach the people who need to hear them. If a person is able to break out of the mould and identify how they chose with personal acceptance and understanding, then the least society could do is mirror it.

For those with questions or curiosities, Kale can be reached by email for anyone who would like to chat.

Jean Samick

Sexpertise: Cock Rings

By Wicked Wanda's
on January 07, 2016
Sexpertise: Cock Rings

By: Jean Samick

Erections can be fickle. Gaining, maintaining and ensuring it is as hard as it can be is not easy for some. Cock rings can be used as an aide for maintaining an erection or just for fun making it harder than usual. Even if you have no problems in the bedroom, they can be a fun addition and can have all sorts of bells and whistles of attachments for your partner’s pleasure.

 Having some difficulty with erections is fairly common and happens to most men at some point in their lives. The communication between brain and penis can be a major culprit in losing an erection. In order to obtain an erection, the brain must work in conjunction with the rest of the body. Arousal from stimulation, either physical or audiovisual, tells the brain to send blood to the penis. This is a combination of hormones, blood vessels and nerves working together which means that often erectile difficulty can be emotional. Things like feelings of self-doubt or a fear of failure can give a person anxiety, as well as communication problems with a partner. Even feelings unrelated to sex can have an effect on a person’s erection, like feelings of anxiety, stress or depression from another aspect of life.

Erectile problems can be caused by disease like diabetes and high blood pressure, among others. Clogged arteries, high blood pressure and heart conditions are affected by a narrowing of the blood vessels and reduces the flow of blood to the penis. This is from plaque buildup in the arteries most typically linked to smoking, high cholesterol, obesity or excessive drinking. With all of these factors in play things can get tricky, and the issue may not be long running. A non-medical solution can help, and this is where the cock ring swoops in to save the day.

Now before you go tying things around your junk, let me explain how they work. In order to save yourself from an uncomfortable trip to the ER, make sure the cock ring you use is easily removed. Cock Rings can be made of almost anything; Metal, leather and different kinds of rubber are the most common, but include anything available restricting the blood flow out of the penis. If it’s rubberized, make sure it stretches enough that you can remove it comfortably post orgasm. If the cock ring is made out of something a little tougher like metal or leather make sure you’re familiar with how to remove it.

Cock rings often fit around the base of the penis but occasionally loop around both the penis and scrotum. They come in all different sizes for the variable rainbow of penises that could need them, but it’s typically frowned upon to try them on in store. It may be good practice to start with the rubberized variety packs of different rings as they’re easy to learn to use and have a few different gauged sizes for fairly cheap. If the silicone variety isn’t for you, another beginner option could be using one with snaps for a tighter fit. Once you’ve figured out your size and the type of material you’re most comfortable with, you can get a bit more creative with the options whether your solo or with a partner.

So as always, play safe and have fun with your options. Remember that baby steps are important for cock rings just like with any other bedroom aide, and that misuse can get dangerous (And a little embarrassing) pretty quickly. Just like with Viagra, if you have an erection that lasts longer than 4 hours, you may want to seek medical attention.

 

Jean Samick

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