BDSM Protocol

What is protocol in BDSM?

In the word of kink/BDSM, protocol refers to a standing mutually agreed upon system of rules governing acceptable behaviours within a dominant/submissive (dom/sub) dynamic as opposed to one-off or shifting orders given by a dominant partner on the whim. These governing rules can include rituals and tasks covering a range of aspects, in public and/or private settings. Here are some examples of different types of protocols, mostly taken from the “The Dominance Playbook: Ways to Play with Power in Scenes and Relationships” by Anton Fulmen. 

Speech Protocols

• The sub is required to address their dom by their honorific (a fancy term for a respectful title other than their given than). Examples of honorifics: Sir, Mistress, Master, etc.
• The sub must give a specific ritual response to any dom order such as “Sir, yes Sir.”
• The sub is not allowed to speak without permission from the dom. 

Movement Protocols

• The sub must walk at their dom’s left heel when they walk together.
• The sub must never place themselves physically higher than their dom or turn their back on their dom.  
• The sub must kneel or keep their head bowed when in the presence of their dom. 

Permission Protocols 

• The sub must wait to eat until their dom has begun.
• The sub must ask for permission before getting into bed, leaving the room, using the bathroom, etc. 

Playtime Protocols 

• The sub prepares/cleans up the space and the equipment before/after play, according to the dom’s specifications.
• The sub partner kneels and formally asks to be collared before play begins.
• The sub partner kisses each implement before it’s used on them.
  
  

In general, protocol should be maintained easily with little to no maintenance on the part of the dom. In instances where the submissive fails to follow protocol the dom should correct their behaviour with punishment or positive reinforcement.

Why are people into protocol as part of their BDSM play? 

For some people in a dominant/submissive (D/S) relationship, protocol can be used to display and reinforce investment in the power exchange. It can help certain people fully embody their role in the dynamic. For example, protocol can make it easier for someone who has a hard time speaking up to find their voice as a dominant by providing opportunities to practice the expression of disappointment or disapproval from protocol not being followed. Some subs find that the build up of anticipation from waiting for protocol to come into effect can help them build their excitement and arousal. There are also those people who enjoy protocol as a way of extending the power dynamic outside of the bedroom into public life. An invisible protocol is a type of protocol that is discreet and which can be used in a vanilla environment going unnoticed by others. Generally speaking, a protocol is an intimate, private language that is only intelligible to those who know it, helping to intensify the intimate bond between the submissive and dominant person. 

Levels of Protocol 

There are different levels of protocol, and sometimes the protocol arrangement allows for the level to change depending on the setting or context. 

High-protocol is the most restrictive and finely detailed etiquette covering every aspect of a submitting partner’s behaviour. This heightened level of power exchange is intense and immersive for all participants. High protocol is often reserved for formal kink events (e.g., high protocol dinners or BDSM ceremonies) or other limited periods of submissive punishment. Most people have life responsibilities that make it difficult to maintain high protocol in everyday life, so it is typically not feasible for a 24/7 D/S dynamic. 

Medium protocol may include elements of formality and respect, such as in high protocol, but it is not as strict or elaborate. Usually, there is more flexibility for how to abide by the rules set compared to a high protocol arrangement. 

Low protocol is the most casual form of protocol. There are minimal rules and formality, and it is more relaxed. The submissive has greater freedom with how they interact and express themselves, but there are still rules being followed to honour the determined power exchange. 

Protocol is negotiated!

Protocol preferences can vary widely depending on the individuals involved. Like all other forms of kink and BDSM, protocol must be negotiated to meet the needs and boundaries of everyone involved. People’s desire can naturally change over time, so protocol may evolve as the D/S relationship progresses to ensure it is continuing to serve both partners. In negotiating or re-negotiating a protocol, it’s helpful to think about what needs you would like fulfilled through the power dynamic, what actions make you feel more embodied in your dominant or submissive role, and what rituals or tasks make you feel more connected to your partner.

Written by: Natalia Jaczkowski